I thought so many things on July 27th, as I sat down to write this blog post…
Yes! I took a (brief) detour while writing it! Well…I had a lot of thoughts to process. 😉 Lol
First of all, what I have to say in this post is all genuine; as I have no reason at all to lie about any of it. All true to life. Believe me….I sure wish it wasn’t! (I’ll also, add, I don’t want any pity…Nuff said)!
The MOST important perspective of my complex, inner, ramblings this morning was that my son thrived as an adult (without) any mental damage from bullying. Thank The Good Lord! =) That was my greatest fear! He was bullied briefly on the school bus; however, my son didn’t have room for bullying in his young school days/throughout his life; and still doesn’t! =)
The main point for this post is to provide some experienced facts about myself just so you can know and understand me a little better (as a person just trying, STILL… to find my way in this UGLY world).
But first, let me take a trip down (memory lane)…from VERY EARLY in life. 🙁
Unfortunately, I DON’T remember my early days in school (as happy). There was a particular incident that took place that snowballed ……into what ???! 😮
As I analyze my thoughts to try and remember the occurrence that started it all; my mind goes back to what (should have been) a favorable learning experience and a happy occasion.
I was excited about dance class. I’m not quite sure what grade we were in. 1st or 2nd grade?? I also am not sure exactly (what kind of dance class) it was. Although, I do remember wearing leotards; black ones. At least, that’s what they were called back then. LOL
I bet you can’t guess what took place?? Hmm, well; maybe you can, I don’t know.
This (little girl) left a big puddle in the gym. UGH!! 😮
Please, let me explain…
I remember… (not too far) into the class, I realized I had to go to the restroom.
Ahh, well, alrighty…now you know. The cats out of the bag; or should I say BLADDER! 😮
I tried very hard to let that teacher know of my predicament many, many times, with a wave and a little dance of my own. But did she listen? This woman wasn’t giving me any relief ANYTIME SOON!
NADA! NO! SHE DID NOT LET ME GO!
Hello!! Was she plotting my (unlucky) future?? lmao!
The next thing I remember was the warm, wet feeling trickling down my legs that made me look down at the ever increasing puddle on the floor. It was only then that I actually realized what I’d done.
I know, gross, but keeping it real!
Well, that dance teacher was very much in the wrong! Just getting that out there! 😮
After that ordeal was over, I recall the long walk to the restroom to change clothes. The teacher had another student…(I think) she was much older? Not sure. I’m 56; my memory seems to be fading! Lol —- walk me there. How’s that for a run-on sentence?
I’ll just briefly go over a couple more occasions that I’d like to forever forget.
1) Now, I don’t recall how the conversation started or even what it was truly about. I just remembered the long walk home.
The girl that seemed to be the head of the bullies said to me, “You’re nothing but a pile of s***!”
The following one has a little more guts to it.. lol
2) In math class, don’t remember the grade. However, that’s not what’s important. I remember bits and pieces of this…
During what (should have been a well-constructed classroom), most of my class mates were throwing spit balls, and other things (that I can’t remember) toward me. Maybe some laughing in the midst.
Now was it (really) the entire classroom? More than likely not. Although, it sure felt as much.
Let’s put it this way…it was definitely enough to cause a ruckus while strolling the halls of the school, for sure.
The (substitute) teacher didn’t have anything to say; nor did she DO anything. She just gave me a smirky smile as I looked at her with, (please help) tattooed on my forehead. lol — I do remember the class was Mr. Greenwald’s. He was the funniest teacher I’ve ever known. He made the whole school laugh; and that was his mission…other than teaching math class, that is. lol – That in itself was an awesome memory! I did a quick search and found a photo of him. However, don’t feel at liberty to share due to copyright. 😉
3) Not to mention (and in general), being made fun of for not making all the hits, catches, reps; or whatever while in gym class and on the playground That’s the true reason why I don’t like to participate in sports…(other than power walking and aerobics) 😉 lol
The latter is so common; I know. However, it didn’t make it any easier! Furthermore, it all stacked up to how I’ve felt about (myself) for most of my life.
I dreadfully recall these memories of bullying as; humbling, ugly, disgraceful, abusive, slanderous, degrading, disrespectful, painful, hurtful, and quite life-changing.
I truly could go on and on; however, I won’t bore you with more. I think you get the picture! LOL
You know…way, way back in my mind (for many, many years), I would always question myself how I could let the world know how bullying truly affected me. Go into detail, like in this post. Did I want (or NEED) to go as far as actually naming names? Naah!! That minor detail is rather pointless.
I wrote this blog post as if I were THE ONLY person on the face of the earth that was mindlessly bullied. Well, let me fill you in on something….that’s exactly what it felt like. The pain was real, and it scarred me for life.
In hindsight, I’m somewhat grateful for having gone through it; (only due) to the fact that it helped mold me (somehow) into the person that I am. I also, realize this post may be pointless to a lot of people. I honestly needed to write it; if not for anything else but, for some sort of therapy. Aka; focus on internal daemons for clarity and peace.
Thank God for the wisdom from my years of living…that I truly understand the (real) reason behind children, (or adults), that feel the need to bully others.
I’ll just leave it at that…
Thank you for reading! =) <3
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